....STRAIGHT ON TIL MORNING

True Love

2011-12-21T19:15:00.000-08:00

You come by and lean in

I blush, close my eyes

All you plant is a whisper

of some hot date last night.

But don't stop me from dreaming

That one fateful day

You'll come to your senses

and see me that way.

There's a new one your chasing

You're already caught

In her tangle-less curls and

That bottom she's got

and I'm just the girl

you can pour your heart to

And it whispers in rhythm:

"he doesn't love you."

One of these days I'll come to my senses.

One of these days I'll know what I'm missing

Was never with you

Was never you

You call me to say

She's out of your system

That this time you'll hear me

And finally listen

but I'm just the girl

You can pour your heart to

And I can finally say it:

"I'm so over you."

The Gift

2011-01-29T20:24:00.000-08:00

Hold on to the string with a teasing tug,

give a gentle shake, an innocent shrug.

You'll soon find the secret kept within

but until then: don't rush in.

See the watching world hold still for you.

Smell the air and breathe this perfect view.

Feel the ticking heart that pounds within.

Make the moment last: please don't rush in.

We forget as fast as the sunlight fades

each sun always sets a new sky ablaze.

The falling leaves and melting frost -

these wonders, too, once gone are lost.

Hold on to the string, that mile-long smile

that feeling only lasts this while.

That glow, that spark you hold within

is part of the gift, so don't rush in.

to old dusty friends

2011-01-19T19:57:00.000-08:00

it's a dog eat dog world and a good pen is hard to find. I use to collect the shiniest, prettiest, blackest and bluest ones in a box to await truly inspired pieces.. which happen always to come already written out, sandwiched between scribbles, ramblings and various erasures. Ah, another box of regrets [with pens this time] to throw out to make room for better things.

Moral of the story?

...The most valuable things can't be kept in boxes?

...Counting and collecting takes time away from adventures on & off the blank pages

...It's not what you have, it's what you do with it (Asian men be proud! :p)

...People are not what they wear or write with

...Even pretty pens can't run on dry ink. They're just like everybody else.

Crescent Moon

2010-08-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

I took a bite of black on white

to soothe a gnawing appetite.

The quarter light, that hangs alight

from my bejewelled satellite,

does cast this plight which burns moon-bright

on toothless grin in wingless flight:

that though I might not be in sight

I smile upon the world this night.

watching my 7th bday party & piano recitals

2009-01-24T19:08:00.000-08:00

There's a perfectly good reason (probably linked with our very survival) as to why our brains do not store that many memories of childhood. Curse you Sony Handycam CCD-V110!!!

2009 goal #1

2009-01-11T06:38:00.001-08:00

sleep less, play more

distractions

2009-01-02T10:41:00.000-08:00

In a world exponentially expanding in its number of households and websites, we're offered a new level of convenience at dislodging boredom to relieve the child-with-ADHD in all of us.

It's as if age has to step in and force us to please hold still.

Identity

2008-05-18T13:59:00.001-07:00

you are what you convincingly pretend to be

still life

2008-05-11T09:23:00.000-07:00

Every object, when struck by light, reveals a shadow cowering into the opposite direction.
We are cursed to walk with a darker ghost of ourselves. Remember that it's all part of what makes each of us a beautiful and unique work of art.

flowers and candy

2008-05-04T10:38:00.000-07:00

She said his love was sweet and intoxicating.

Like flowers and candy, I thought, because it was also theatrical, unoriginal, and with a measurable shelf-life.

ommmmm

2008-04-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

Think.
Say what you mean.
Act like you're worth it.
Be the person you admire the most.
Breathe out.

happy birthday!

2008-04-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

As of today I'm married to a 30-something! (happy birthday, bobo!)

I think its funny how everyone's been asking him how it feels to be 30.. how exactly should it feel different from the day before?

Birthdays are too often shunned for being reminders of aging -- the tragedy of aging -- involving wrinkles, sagging breasts and a growing number of unwanted facial hair. I know it does, but I'd honestly prefer that to living the rest of my life as my 20-year old self. Gosh, flipping thru the events of that year on my journal was both exhilirating and laughable. I do love the memories, even the awkward ones; but if I could relive that year as who-I-am-now, I'm positive I could've done so much better. Not that I would've wanted to though because I'm sure all that was part of the process yada yada yada...

More than just looking back at the past year or worrying about the inevitable degeneration of the human body, birthdays give me reason to celebrate being and becoming a better version of myself. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY and HAPPY EVERYDAY too for that matter.

back

2008-04-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

Every experience of writing is a jump into strange waters and I kick and beat my arms thinking that I'm swimming when i'm really just keeping myself from sinking.

Unraveling

2007-12-22T11:19:00.000-08:00

For the past few month's I've acted as witness and sounding board to relationship turmoil of friends that stood bitterly hurt by their significant others. The funny thing is that they have been complaining for years over much smaller matters and even coming to I've-had-it conclusions and delivering rather grandious you-better ultimatums.
When I think they overact, I would casually ask: when the roof is leaking do you abandon the house? -- This practical kind of perpective is really all I can offer since I'm on my first and only relationship and have never engaged in that form of conflict.

It wasn't until recently that I was truly encouraging them to "leave home" and though they nod their heads in approval, they are still there. What's worse, they've reached a point where they're defending their men, even from concerned girlfriends who tirelessly offer justifications on their behalf. Wasted spit. At that point, one of the gfs told me, we just have to respect their decision, wish her the best, and pray we were wrong.

Another said, "they'll hit rock bottom eventually and come to their senses." And I told her, "I thought they had already had. I feel like they've hit and started digging." Digging digging a dark tunnel all the way to China.

advice

2007-12-08T05:07:00.000-08:00

You can't expect people to change. But nor should you have to contort yourself to fit their jagged edges

Oh Romeo

2007-12-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

I was looking thru a friend's site today and she's added a few more pages to her collection of lovey-dovey movie clilps and romantic literature.

What I've come to observe is that a lot of people look for love but unknowingly search for romance instead. They will hunt for the sensation triggered by seeing on-screen happily-ever-afters without realizing that the thrill of watching a car chase is quite different when you're in one.

duty calls

2007-09-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

Sept 29: second weekend in Puerto Rico
Sight-seeing & window shopping thru my laptop because they asked us to come to work - AGAIN.

By the time we hit the mall, the shop I wanted to see was closed.

"Making up for lost time" is such the paradox.

Amusement Park date

2007-09-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

Spent a lovely, yet chilly afternoon in the amusement park w/ aaron.

"Amusement Park" - the term alone piques my interest already. Going to one reminded both of us of how much growing up has unwarantably occured over the years. Things that once were undeniably exciting now caused alternating sensations of worry and slight panic. One's biggest concern, for instance, shifted from passing the height requirement to surviving the fear that the safety straps would come lose.

But it was still a ton of fun. It wasn't exactly amusing, but it was enjoyable, to say the very least, to be reminded about how things change so they can change for the better and to finally know that life's thrills go far far beyond the highest peak of the tallest loop.

O'Keefe... Mrs. O'Keefe

2007-09-01T20:40:00.001-07:00

hihihi

work defined

2007-08-18T17:10:00.000-07:00

work - n. something to pass the time until you come home.

standing still but the eyes keep moving

2007-08-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

People will always love and despise the subject of "the one" for both its infinite potential and its cruel absurdity. Often times "the one" refers to the idealized companion but I've come to realize that it can refer to many things as people seek out the best in every facet of life: best job, best house, best birthday, best celphone. But what we soon find out is that in a world with ever-changing horizons, the best is somehow always outbested.

Its a shame, I think. People observe a common pattern with almost every product-- a brighter, sleeker model always at bay-- and they start not only to wonder but to worry, that that same applies to the significant other.

While some people believe that this is no more than human nature, I see it instead not as a curse but as a flaw.

And then the question: "how do you know this is 'the one'"

The simple truth I've come to understand is, you don't know it. You choose it.

Taking a step back from the illusion of the one, we actually find two: the desired and the desire. We find not only an image of a moving target, but also the presence of an archer with an attention deficiency disorder.

hello life

2007-08-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

its been such a long time since i last wrote and where I am now is at 26 and scheduled for marriage in less than 30 days (no return-no exchange, baby!).
Wedding planning hasn't really been the issue I thought it would be (based on what I see on TV of course). And most of it is because I haven't exerted that effort to find the absolutely-perfect bouquet, invitation or what not. Finding a cute yet appropriate font is the most I've gotten worked up on and if Aaron wanted to get our wedding cake from the grocery, I honestly wouldn't mind.
I found it strange that people have come up to me to ask whether I was worried or nervous about any and all of this and I couldn't find any part of me that was or would be. I asked my fiancé at home whether he was, but he shook his head and wondered, as I did, what exactly this would change, save my last name and our bank accounts.
So I haven't been married yet and maybe some people will fault me for not considering this as a kind of turning point but milestones are always relative to what you're tracking.
More than one night of walking-down-the-aisle and stressing over flowers and cake, I'd rather consider memorable: the first time he shared his food with me (gum, was it?? hahaha), or the few and many times he held me and made jokes while I was crying. Of course, the proposal is still by far my favorite and will be even after my wedding day not for the ring or the going-down... on-one-knee (:p) but because it was the first time he ever admitted to wanting to spend his life with me (and you could hardly expect that from a musician!)
Anyway, before I fall victim to a whole year's worth of nostalgia, all I'm saying is that the milestones we've been taught to hold dear & aim for: graduation, first promotion, white wedding... aren't necessarily the most important moments in our life. To me, living life requires we recognize the true nature and value of small things because the only way to live an extraordinary life is to treat nothing as ordinary.

My Precious

2007-05-26T11:14:00.001-07:00

When i wrote about springtime I didn't realize I was going to find myself right smack in the middle of it. But he faced me with a question that sparkled as it played with the light of dimmed lamposts and moonshine. And even if he'd constructed a ring of grass and mud I still would have had no other thought than to say "yes, bobo, of course!" Because I wouldn't live the rest of my life any other way.

[May 24, 2007. 11ish EST. Loveland Park.
1st Anniversary of our 1st date]

spring time

2007-05-12T18:00:00.000-07:00

The sight of baby geese was probably the catalyst, and I began to wonder if in the bigger scheme of life this generation has finally come to its springtime with marriage on people's minds, if not flowering seeds in women's bellies.

But I'd rather believe that the spring is like a constant ray of light shining upon a life that moves around some unseen axis so that even in old age, the season may shine upon some face of our crystalline existence that had slumbered in the wintry shadows of youth.

cinco de mayo

2007-05-05T19:27:00.000-07:00

(what are we celebrating again?)

heaven

2007-04-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

Walking through the beautiful streets of Old San Juan we stopped to gather in the ocean breeze by the docks and found a hint of that fresh garbage scent mixed in with the air. We peered over the railing to find water bottles and McDonald's wrappers lazily floating on the jewel-colored waters. Aaron would ask again and again how people who lived in the kind of paradise he'd only always imagined since he was a boy, could ruin something beautiful and feel no remorse. One response he got was that Latinos littered to allow the garbage man to keep his job -- an explanation just a tad more logical than the one about how they come late to parties because they didn't want to help arranging the plates and table napkins.

On Culebra, still very much an untainted natural paradise, we passed some shantis as we headed for the beach on foot. Such humble habitations on land that was on the market for $600K - $1M. Even without the pricetag, it was obvious they were on valuable properly. I guess the locals probably don't realize it because it's easy to take the common place for granted.

I wouldn't be surprised if in one of those rooms was a boy who, night after night, would dream of having a suburban house with a vibraphone, a manicured lawn and an inflatable kiddie pool instead.

Packed up for Puerto Rico

2007-04-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

No matter how many times I leave home, the challenge of figuring out what necessity to bring (and which to leave behind) has gotten no simpler at all. Packing, whether it be a u-haul or a handbag or a grocery bag, is an art no different from ikebana or photography. It becomes a means to concoct and eventually capture an expression as well as a definition of our sense of self through this extension of ourselves.

So here I am. As always. Still a beautiful mess

cutover

2007-04-07T08:40:00.000-07:00

had a strange weekend last weekend. or rather no weekend at all with a work schedule that ran from 2-4:30 pm, then 6pm-3:30 pm of the folowing day. With no coffee either; I stayed up on 5 servings of processed sugar and a self-made supply of adrenalin fueled by a childlike excitement over trivial joys. The tension in the room felt like we were constantly under a shadow. As if a cloud hung overhead and the rain might just break at any moment. So I stood beneath it those many many hours, taunting: Let's just see who gives out first.

paglaki ko...

2007-03-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

I wonder. Why are children taught to aim for a profession instead of a personhood. You don't really hear kids go on and on about how they want to become a responsible, nurturing or generous adult because we teach them to dream about becoming lawyers, bankers, or pop stars like (God forbid) Paris Hilton. Generation after generation we ingrain a measure of success based on what we become (and what we make) in terms of our employment, above who we are stripped of the fancy suit or cafeteria-lady uniform. And though I understand that all decent jobs come attached with a code of ethics, I have to wonder what it would've been like if instead of wishing to be a certain [something], I instead aspired to be a particular [someone], with a nice job.

take a number

2007-03-10T15:11:00.000-08:00

they say that if you lived to the ripened age of 80 you would have slept 26 years of that life. I wonder how many years would've been spent waiting. The numbers would vary across lifestyles and across cultures (the unusual breed of on-time filipinos, for instance would show higher numbers), but I imagine that a seemingly ridiculous sum would result as well.

Does life feel like one waiting-in-line after another?
...Lines that organize and direct, as much as they segregate and displace
...Someone always standing ahead of you while others lag behind
...And occassinally fate brings something or someone interesting to help the time pass quicker

...but what's the rush when at the very head of every serpentine assembly is the tail, tongue and fang of another creature just like it.

holy cow

2007-03-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

It's been one week since I stepped foot in a Hindu temple where I marveled at their gazilion gods and godesses while eating sacred nuts (I think we were suppose to eat them). It kinda felt like being in a museum with its stale (yet fragrant) atmosphere and its well-arranged objects with matching descriptive labels.
I watched a friend with bowed head and clasped hands as he spoke fervently in Hindi prayer to Hanuman the monkey god. He would later tell us about each god's fantastic story & I listened eagerly, much intruiged, all the while munching on blessed nuts.
"But... " i stopped myself from saying what I had in mind: you dont reallly believe all this is true, right?
He would later explain that their belief wasn't too different from ours. At the very left of the altar was the statue of their main god. All the other gods neatly lined beside it were his individual incarnations as he came at different times of need or fate to bring courage to those threatened by war, music to the disheartened, destruction to the wicked... and so on and so forth; each incarnation a specific embodiment of some form of divine greatness.
"Something like Jesus"
Yes, I guess that makes sense, in that manner in which religion utilizes faith as a sensory organ to accept the inexplicable. But I wondered... when a foreigner walks into the walls of a church, what runs across his mind as he finds that at the very center of its alter & the very core of our truth, is an innocent man crowned with thorns left to die a barbaric and bloody death.

rejection

2007-02-17T21:37:00.000-08:00

i don't feel bad. i feel... like a discolored banana peel.

in a heart beat

2007-02-10T15:35:00.000-08:00

It's a most terrifying experience to finally acknowledge what the heart desires the most for doing so reveals an emptiness lodged therein. But to live life unmindful of such an abysmal crevise is to foresake the treasure that lies within.

because I said so

2007-02-03T18:02:00.000-08:00

because it's too tiring to defend the point.
because it's not going to change anything.
because I don't know any better.
because I can.

Twilight

2007-01-27T15:57:00.001-08:00

And I never did like a blank page: a night sky without stars.

Paradise Lost

2007-01-20T16:56:00.000-08:00

"Of course the Neverlands vary a good deal. John's, for instance, had a lagoon with flamingoes flying over it which John was shooting. Michael, who was very small, had a flamingo with lagoons flying over it."

My favorite part in my favorite book is this idea of Neverland as being as unique and personal as a finger print. More than a physical space it represents a personal sphere that extends to, as much as it is bound by, the limits of an imagination fueled by happy thoughts. What this does is redefine the symptoms of adulthood from a simplified hair-in-strange-places phase, to a less measurable (but as-easily apparent) loss of one's personal sense of value.
I mean, even babies can tell the significant difference in value between milk and money. Adults seem to have trouble.

At what age does someone allow their birthday candles to overthrow their candied flowers and what purpose do they believe it serves?

My virtual nipa hut

2007-01-20T16:36:00.000-08:00

IT LIVES!